Let me sleep on it

Aha!!! I return to blogging after a long time. Seems my mind went on a writer's block, few may differ on it, for them it still is..hahahaha..
On a serious note, its been really long..my words have faded down yet the lustre still remains..I maintain once again a long back broken promise - will try keeping the blog update..seriously I will..
Until then, let me sleep on it..
:-)

Writeup for and of an artist

(A short writeup-cum-account-cum story that I wrote for my friend Tushar Waghela, an international artist about his latest & striking series 'The Land Series', in which on behalf of the artist I have tried to pen down into words what he has painted)


What is Art to me? Excusing myself from the lingual limitations I found the most appropriate singular word in Igbo: Chi – Personal God. Browsing through my previous, the acute adoration of Chi lands this time in my present series, undoubtedly delivering a sermon that humanity has opted not listen deliberately. The present series is based on my native land: Bastar since it falls on artist to paint what he sees. Everything is sold on a stamp paper, the currency becoming crucial than hearts, thus reminding of an age-old tale of Faust selling his soul to the Devil for diabolical favors. & the outcome – nature taking revenge-global warming, floods, earth quakes, worst – detachment of a farmer from his land where his ancestors found treasures. This series is denotation of a farmer whose isolation in desperation resulting out of his misery while his green land converts into huge masses of metal industrial structures. Nevertheless, here, I have painted the farmer out of bounds of gender & species, for when misery is in question any biological bound is insignificant. By every means I have tried to keep up the aesthetic standards in these paintings, reminding ourselves that ugliness disguises as beauty. Stamp paper on background was essential as in my land it symbolizes authority. With this vicious authority not only farmer is ripped off his land but also nature isn’t spared, ah! The lotus still blossoms yet the despotic fingers made the grounds unavailable.

Within & without, I must say that this series, before wrapping every corner of canvasses, bred inside me, respired with me, ah! What bliss, ah! What an agony.

Today, when we have started to move in the reverse direction, when we immoralists especially are trying with all our might to remove the concept of guilt and the concept of punishment from the world and to purge psychology, history, nature, the social institutions and sanctions of them, we have started an absolute opposite movement, both in ourselves & in the world, materializing even the non-matter into currency notes & coins. Let us again remember the etymology of art: love of wisdom whence reminded from Heraclitus’s doctrines of - tap anta rei – everything floats- who accustomed modern man to the idea of becoming & if everything evolves, then truth cannot remain a frigid fossil.

Yet everything floats but today the direction has become much more relevant, man is already pursuing the idea of becoming but what – creator, keeper or destroyer?

In an attempt to escape from this rampant aestheticism & recapture the binary illusion/truth, art is what now sustains the metaphysical condition which has become viable only by means of art: this being the only non-illusory condition & the idea in art rests in its ability to create new forms, newer idea thereby signaling the possibility of non-existent. But what claims to base its foundation solely on grounds of objective truth? What else the biggest deception of them all: Greed.

My vocation is to try & make art accessible because I believe that this is the way of coming in touch with the well spring of your own being, where God is…all experience of art becoming experience of God, an unconscious exercise in metaphysics.

Truth is a mobile army of metaphors, metonyms and anthropomorphisms – in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed & embellished poetically & rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical & obligatory to us.

I have tried to paint this truth.

Finishing, the world around us is changing, for good? ; will always be answered by the generations to come while we will be unavailable to witness that answer; the race against time for money & worldly desires will in end take us back from where we started while I am sure that nature will take it’s own course.

The land series of mine was a simple deliverance of this message.

My Anonymous Diary Pages : A Glance On A Personal Level

November 1st 2008

Mind is the biggest trickster, it plays such tricks that it puts me off to sleep within a moment. To counter the observation it has brought from its deep levels a very disturbing memory of past, to be precise something from 6 years back. I got entangled & at once lost my control, getting identified with it. It exploded, bombarded & created a gap. It was till today afternoon until I realized that I am merely judging & trying to run from it. Acceptance must be the key. The sleep was occupied with disturbing images & dreams. It was half past twelve until I woke up, feeling very exhausted in the body.

Right after lunch when I lied down again to meditate, the same thought chased me up & down, finally popping like a bubble when I faced it, embraced without any prejudice, unconditionally & completely. It was a glorious moment, while my observation rejuvenated with new energy & I was merely looking at the world outward & inward. Something was happening which led me to know that separation between mind & matter, the body & the world is an illusion. The flame burns still. The observation continues of this feel too, for there is no junction I should stop.

November 2nd 2008

The mind is filled with constant conflict & I can sense it. The embrace of the pleasant memories & the run from the sorrow continues. This creates what in real & complete sense can be called as conflict. The mind is living, breeding & functioning in this conflict. ‘What is’ is nowhere to be seen except for a few glimpses every now & then. These thoughts, pleasant or sorrowful, have determined & shaped my life till now. The narrow boundary in which my mind has functioned is trying its best to be narrower, compacter, persuasive. ‘I am fed up with my sadness & I want to observer the mind to make it completely thoughtless’ is also a thought & this is one of the biggest trick mind is playing. I, very sleepily, chase & settle with these kinds of thought while running from all the memories which have made me sad in past. This conflict must end. Either both stay or both should vacate. I have to be tremendous, I have to be awake.

November 4^th, 2008

My walks are getting beautiful everyday. As I was walking in the neon lit half empty streets, a group of children were running, shouting, playing hide & seek, a lady grumbling at her husband for not helping her pick the heavy carton of ration, a girl & a boy riding on a bike, moving silently, they seemed to be in love. Love is a dangerous thing. If not understood correctly it brings sorrow & discontentment. It needs grounds to flower deep within while expectations, desires & possession readily & instantly decay it. I was watching my mind. All the thoughts were screened. How brutal I have been, not only to myself but also to the people. I have acted on these petty thoughts & in return made my life petty.

In night, mind erupted & responded with violence. It is not prepared to go without fighting. A thought appeared – what the hell is all this I am doing. I looked. Mind with its quiver full of thoughts creates a conflict between ‘what is’ & ‘what should be’. In this vicious conflict we all exist. I slept late for there was no sleep. Mind was clear now & now I can see.

November 8th 2008

Effortlessness & awareness are synonyms. For a complete awareness there should be no efforts from one’s side. The very effort simply points that there some aim in mind that one is following. But in the fullest view of paradox, to be effortless one has put all the efforts; leaving not even a single effort should be left. I am aflamed.


Why there is so much passion to achieve something? Why everyone wants to be everyone’s ideal? Why do we want to be become like some else, to be inspired by someone, to follow & make others follow? Why don’t we remain what we are?

November 11th 2008

To say it is to spoil it. I am alert in all the movements, be it of body or of mind. The seeking without any desire for result brings extreme bliss. The desire in itself determines the hopes for future while there exists such a state in which neither one is hopeful nor hopeless for hopelessness simply means frustration coming out of incomplete hopes.

We were talking for almost half an hour on phone & he was just complaining all the time. There was nothing good going on according to him for there were no good people around. The point of conversation kept shifting from one person to another while he was acutely pointing out the anomalies. This was character reading according to him which was the outcome of hours of time he spent on self-analysis.

Isn’t self-analysis another way to conceal ourselves though beautifully? The mind which creates problems later on analyzes self & thus comes out the contradiction in behavior, thought & action. This pattern of mind must be understood not by thinking but by the very observation of thinker & thought.


(For the first time in blogging, I did something different. I post here my few diary entries for a single reason that Wittgenstein once wrote - that which can be said cannot be shown. I request readers not to take it as some kind of mystical experience for it is not. Rather it is a simple inquiry into one's own mind)

Reflections On Deeds : Living Without Images

The evening sun was just few inches above the horizon, getting dimmer. The sea was calm, the waves weren't exactly roaring, instead the sound was musical. There were no cauliflower clouds but they were scattered all across the sky like a carpet leaving only the space for the sun to set in. I could see thousands of foot marks on the sand, I wonder, how old they were - days, weeks or centuries ?

He sat beside me, talking business on the mobile & after a while joined me in the gazing of sea. He was young & I have known him from couple of years. His success was seemingly surprising for the man of his age & it poured out of his face too in form of pride. He received pretty good education & was widely read.

He said,'I wanted to talk to you from a while. I have read some of your blog postings & though a bit hesitant at first of opening up myself, I thought to give it a try'.
I looked at him & he was still speaking,'I am not at peace at all. I have achieved quite a good but I can feel unthinkable unsatisfactory state which permanently leads to irritation. I know I am good but I want to be best but concurrently I want to have the mental peace too'.

Why do you want to have mental peace? Why are you making so much a problem out of it?

But I cant sleep well. I ought to have that peace.

Is it not that your constant effort of bringing deliberately the peace is causing a conflict in you ? Can you see it ?

So what should I do to get out of this conflict?

Doing anything will create another conflict, tension within & so forth. Mind is a marvelous instrument but it has to be understood. The constant comparison between 'what should be' & 'what is' creates a kind of pull in different directions & so comes unrest. Listen to this story, right here, right now, very observantly, in absolute honesty, holding no opinion for or against. This in exact sense is called - doing nothing.

But I tell you very truly I don't want to do anything on the expense of my career.

Its a complete myth that you are caught in. I am pointing towards the integration of everything within & without. Not of leaving or holding anything. Not pursuing a certain goal, any desire for some spiritual or mystical experience because that will most certainly create another conflict. I am talking about an awareness which must be totally passive, no more than listening & looking of our outward & inward instincts. I am talking about sitting & doing nothing at all.

Oh! now I got it.

He closed his eyes. The sun was long set & it was getting darker. I looked at his face. He was trying to do nothing. But again trying.

(The blog entries with labels & header 'Reflections' are picked up from my encounter of different peoples. They narrate a story that I have lived thus they are mere investigations & so does not carry a purpose of imposing any idea or convincing anyone)

Reflections On Mumbai Fiasco : The Logic Of Ostrich

November 28^th 2008 5:15 PM

I am agitated today to be called as human. Mumbai is under most ferocious attack, bullets & grenades flying like saucers in all directions, people running for protection & after all this horrific drama we still call ourselves the gem of nature, the most intelligent mammal. The ethical principle - live & let live – is long forgotten & has been taken place by violence & atrocities where blood is considered no better than water. The events from November 26^th till present has made one thing sure that further blood-shed in inevitable, whilst revenge will be the mantra & bullet for bullet will be the only source of satisfaction. But shall not ‘eye for an eye’ will make the whole world blind. It may seem a cowardly writing especially in such time when rages are on fire & the demand for counter-reply can be heard everywhere. I don’t care even if this is taken cowardly & fearful in such a world where being courageous simply means being violent. I mourn for the death of innocents wherever it shall be & I condemn such violence whomever it shall be.

At the time, when I am writing this blog-entry, the terror has come to end. The militants have been gunned down by security forces; over one hundred fifty innocent civilians killed & with them died their dreams, their possibilities & most of all their hearts. They were sacrificed for religious & political ideologies.

I have been asking few since all this drama started that what the final solution of terrorism is. I am not surprised when all the replies I got ended in a big nothing. There isn’t any solution for the simple reason that the problem of terror has never been looked in its perfect & absolute form. This is a political world that we live in & all this dancing on the bloody floor is a part of package. While this is the high time for print & electronic media, blogs & other different sources of communications to investigate, condemn & post-mortem the events. In all this melodramatic thought process the ‘cause & effect’ will be lost, it has always been.

November 29th 8:45 PM

The logic of Ostrich

The ostrich maintains a simple logic – when enemy on sight, bury the head in ground – the enemy that’s not visible is no enemy at all. We often follow the Ostrich’s logic when any event of this sort occurs. Humanity is been so much classified, compartmentalized & divided that on the names of humans only identities appear. Groups & sects have replaced the absolute identical structures & any replacement of this kind has made one thing sure – the clashes between groups.

While answering to my disturbing questions ‘P’ answered that these terrorists have been so badly brainwashed that they just follow commands be it related to violence or anything. But again, aren’t we all brainwashed since centuries. We identify ourselves as Hindus, Muslims or Indians, Pakistanis, Americans & out of this identification we unconsciously make sure that the other group or sect is the enemy & as the age old rule states – everything is fair in love & war – we love the group that we belong to & physically, mentally or spiritually jump into war with another. Killings are licensed & validated for the love of a group or sect.

As the education is made easily available in this & previous century, a new breed of idealism has germinated which claims all humans to be equal & all groups, sects & religion preaching the same thing – peace within humans. They condemn such violent attacks & claim that no religion ever teaches violence. This is brainwashing & sleeping at its height. No one looks or doesn’t want to look at the other side of coin. When all religions are equal then what is the need of so many.

To be continued...

(The above blog-entry isn't meant to cross the limits of anyone's personal identity or freedom. However, I maintain that although bitter & sour, I have tried to bring into light the factual status of recent events rather then reflecting the common notion of condemnation that has been catered to us since ages. Either swallow it or spit it out the taste of truth will remain same. The house that we all live in is on fire & whether we stay in it or get out of it will depend on individual choice. Therefore, the entry investigates rather then imposing any idea. )

जग अभी जीता नही है, मैं अभी हारा नही हूँ

धैर्य रखो
जानो और समझो
हो किंचित भी समय बाधित
हो ना किंतु ख़ुद से पराजित
काल ने जो कुछ चुना है
निशब्द निर्णय जो बुना है
उसे जियो
और पियो
जैसे शिव ने विष-पान किया था
कठोर को कोमल किया था
इसलिए शिव बनो
और धैर्य रखो

खोजो और सींचो
उस गुण-तत्व को
पत्तो से झड़ते अपनत्व को
संघर्ष जनेगी मेधा को फिर
आकाश बनेगा छाती तुम्हारी
प्रेम बनेगा भाषा तुम्हरी
नक्षत्र करेंगे रक्षा पग पग
राह में होंगे तारे जग मग
अपमान 'अब' का
कवच बनेगा 'तब' का
निर्माता का निर्माण हो तुम
तुम में है प्रारब्ध की छाया
बूंदे अमृत की तुम में भी हैं
इसलिए अन्धकार से डरना कैसा
अपने दीपक ख़ुद बनो
और धैर्य रखो

My hands tied while there isn't anything left to do : A prayer in silent

Songs & Things : The Wrath Of A Penguin

Despite my constant effort, my mind has refused to find any contentment. It is filled with fears of 'whats going to be' & sorrows of 'whats happened'. Still, I have faith, not on any god but on friendship. Friend-the word in itself denotes the savior.
It is rightly said that troubles, never believing in family planning, breeds further troubles. Yet in this time when my mind is engaged in battle within & without, I have faith. If considering faith alone & leaving it aside for a moment, I feel helpless for the first time in my life. Heretofore, the test of time has begun. In all my past life I have begged for necessities of relations & mourned for the dead but never have I felt helpless.
Strange occurrences are common in human life;truth sometimes becoming stranger than fiction, nevertheless, in all situations faith saves & faith on friendship is the noblest;even nobler than faith on Gods.

May my faith & friendship be in harmony.

Its the wrath of penguin which exemplifies the constant troubles of human mind. But eventually, however furious the penguin be, it gets what it deserves. May this law of nature be applied on humans too.

Last chorus of Oedipus - No man can be happy until he is dead.
May the existence not wait for my death, for I am no Oedipus.

The plural lives of singular species

Acta Sanctorum - deeds of the saints - having been exhaled all the exclamation marks that a human can, when I learned something about second life from one of my very close friend. Second life, a new technology that will create a virtual world around us that will absorb everything that surrounds us. The world is changing, or in fact the human species are changing the world. The change is for better or worse - the question that later generation will answer. The constant effort to draw ourselves from reality to virtuality somewhat, on the contrary, draws us to much realer world.
But the question is - where in this ever-changing world humans will find themselves ?
The flesh to flesh conversation is already lost, now we chat. Does the same would be applied to human relations - think of another family in virtual world.
If imagination is allowed freedom, then all my exclamations would be appropriate.
Even if such change is inevitable, anno domini to anno regni - from the year of lord to year of reign - we will be - barba tenus sapientus - wise as far as the beard. Humans will always be humans, no matter where we live
But its still unanswered - how many among ourselves are humans ?
The disfigurement of human identities has already brought us closer to inferior species. Currency becoming the only goal of survival. From dawn to dusk the only act : self charm.
The human faces have become symbol of something lost. & that which is lost can be found, if found, the humans will attain their humanity & not godliness that has been preached since centuries.

Until then, no matter, virtual or real, humans will be humans.

आंखों के मींजने से ,
झड़ने लगे हैं सपने

My recent discovery - Heart cant be broken. Its a muscle & muscle gets teared or cramped but can't be broken.

Songs and Things : I Am That

( songs and things is the title of posts that throws light on my daily life. Why songs and things ? because most recently I have discovered that all the things in our life can be made into songs )





I am that .... that what ? Nothing really special. Its just the best title that I thought for the fiction that I am writing.
Coming back from a week long trip I am realizing that I am lazier. Not any realization of wisdom, of course, I was lazy always.
The painting hovering on the top of this post is Tushar Waghela's. Of all the worthless things that he keeps doing in his life, he is a remarkable artist and following his instincts of doing worthless things he has got a new job these days - of forcing me to write a fiction. Anyway, I was already writing short stories but I have started working on the fiction too.
Talking about life, I am doing nothing really other than watching a TV series late night and getting up likewise in the morning, though its never a morning when I get up, its already noon.

Life is good.

Coming back, for writing this fiction I gave up something. Book reading. Very obviously, I cannot read and write at the same time. Last couple of months, I, very generously, read a lot of books. Toni Morrison, Dorris Lessing, Jhumpa Lahiri, Siddharth Sanghvi, Salman Rushdie, Ronald Laing, Csíkszentmihályi (sorry, copy-pasted, cant even pronounce the name) lingered by the side of my bed these past few days.

Life is really good.

मेरा अहम्

पत्थर जैसा ठोस

मेरा प्रेम

जैसे बहता पानी

लेकिन मैंने सुना भी है और देखा भी

कि पानी में पत्थर घुल जाता है

शायद......

कुछ मैं

कुछ तुम

कुछ ना कुछ

जब भवो पे बैठी हुई नीद

आंखो का रास्ता भूल जाती है

तब कुछ ना कुछ याद आता है

शायद

बहुत कुछ !

Discovering India

While Mr. Rahul Gandhi shares his name with Gautam Buddha's son, here ends all the similarities. For some, being born in the most illustrious family of this country, he is a lucky man. In actual, his life, never his own - belonging to nation, is full of challenges, the biggest of-course is of setting an example. Aware of this fact, he starts Discovring India. Discovering India, whose grounds has been made fertile by his family's sweat & blood.

Just a couple of days before, when his arrival in my tiny state of Chhattisgarh is all set, I am sleepless, for I know that there is a little chance that he will ever see what he must. The tribal region that he is going to visit will be flooded with banners & posters of his own & the real India that he is discovering will be hidden behind them. Yet his itinerary still unknown shows his own desire to unveil the real faces of people who comprise India. He is aware of this fact.

The tribal region that he will visit is one of the most beautiful places in India, yet the survival of natives there is no less than a miracle. For more than two thousand years they have lived in an environment of untouchability, being deprived of even necessary human requirements. They are shudras according to laws of Manu. & today when India glides high into twenty first century they find themselves struck between naxalites & salwa judum (govt. sponsored anti-naxalite campaign). Either side is determined to spill their blood in revenge. For two thousand years they were not allowed into society & now they are not allowed in civilized world.
While Rahul ji will move through them, there will be hope in their eyes. Hope that they always had from his family. Yet with mouth they will not speak but will speak through their eyes. A conversation between them & a man who comes from a family whose members have paid the price with their life for this country. I am hopeful as they are, for I know that all our kismet are linked with him.

In particularly moving passages of Nehru ji's will in which he asks for his ashes to be thrown away from the sky so that his soul remains in the soil of this nation, I found his love for not only this nation but for whole humanity. Years & years after, while his great grandson discovers India, I, for an unknowable reason find satisfaction.
His legacy is safe.

p s :-
Following the anonymous commenter, while hunting for the noesis of relative terminology of shudras, I found that tribals are basically not shudras. But I must make clear that hindu mythology is absolutely silent about the classification of tribals, though they have been very abstractly put in the second varna - kshatriya, they are treated no less then a shudra.
On the whole, I correct myself with thanks to the anonymous commenter.

water color on paper

Songs & Things

Of all my twenty seven years of days & night - I felt another person living within me who most solemnly feeds with me, hears with me, sees with me. Some people call it conscience. Thus not for the sake of absurd humanity but for mine, I kicked him out a few days back. Using the pronoun 'him' makes it sound that my conscience was of male gender, if it was female I wouldn't have shown him the way out.
On the better note, I regained my senses while re-watching 'Annie Hall', Woody Allen discoursing Diane Keaton - 'Life is either miserable or horrible, & you should be thankful that you have a miserable life.' My friend Saurav Shukla glitters in my mind whenever I ask myself which came first - music or misery ? Why him. I haven't seen anyone else in such love with music other than him, he would definitely disagree with my conjoining music with misery. I should ask him this question some time.
On the serious note, I have lost three kgs. Yeah right, I am working out a lot ( I never understood why people don't say 'working in' ). & just putting this news on serious note does not necessarily means that I am not going to loose more. The more the better. On the least I wont be needing a new wardrobe of larger waistline.
On the worrying note, I saw a documentary on global warming last night which enlightened me with the fact that human species will extinct within a century.
On the relaxing note, none of us are going to survive that long, so we need not to worry. Atleast, I don't give a damn. Our ancestors left us nothing but a history of violence & rape of humanity thus the same will be passed on to our predecessors.
On a delightful note, I was winked a week ago by a very pretty girl in swimming pool.
& on a very sad note, since then she pretends as if I doesn't exist. I think she was winking someone else & I just happened to be in the middle of this heavenly phenomenon.
God has really deserted me. Is it vice-versa ?

Self portrait : charcoal on paper...cant say but I look sad...I burnt it later on.
light the candle & the darkness will vanish

These crazy color makers make such color that it doesn't washes off easily. Just this evening, with left over colors, I jumped into my club's swimming pool. Posthumous discovery - water is now a little red.
It was so abso-f**k**g-lutely awesome. At least now all the colors on me is washed.
Holi is over.

On The Festival Of Colors : The Song Of Holi

तन्तु - प्रेरित गात्र हैं हम,

एक पुतले मात्र हैं हम,

इस जगत की नाटिका के -

क्षणिक भंगुर पात्र हैं हम,

इसलिए हर भूमिका में,

रंग भरे हम भूमिजा मे,

बन सके निरपेक्ष,

तो फिर ,

क्या दुआ क्या बद्दुआ है,

लग रहे हैं समय-बाधित,

आप अपने से पराजित,

चलो आज तम तो भगाएं,

रंगों का धुआं उडाये,

चलो आज होली मनाएं