Showing posts with label Memoirs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memoirs. Show all posts

Sunday, February 22, 2009

My Anonymous Diary Pages : A Glance On A Personal Level

November 1st 2008

Mind is the biggest trickster, it plays such tricks that it puts me off to sleep within a moment. To counter the observation it has brought from its deep levels a very disturbing memory of past, to be precise something from 6 years back. I got entangled & at once lost my control, getting identified with it. It exploded, bombarded & created a gap. It was till today afternoon until I realized that I am merely judging & trying to run from it. Acceptance must be the key. The sleep was occupied with disturbing images & dreams. It was half past twelve until I woke up, feeling very exhausted in the body.

Right after lunch when I lied down again to meditate, the same thought chased me up & down, finally popping like a bubble when I faced it, embraced without any prejudice, unconditionally & completely. It was a glorious moment, while my observation rejuvenated with new energy & I was merely looking at the world outward & inward. Something was happening which led me to know that separation between mind & matter, the body & the world is an illusion. The flame burns still. The observation continues of this feel too, for there is no junction I should stop.

November 2nd 2008

The mind is filled with constant conflict & I can sense it. The embrace of the pleasant memories & the run from the sorrow continues. This creates what in real & complete sense can be called as conflict. The mind is living, breeding & functioning in this conflict. ‘What is’ is nowhere to be seen except for a few glimpses every now & then. These thoughts, pleasant or sorrowful, have determined & shaped my life till now. The narrow boundary in which my mind has functioned is trying its best to be narrower, compacter, persuasive. ‘I am fed up with my sadness & I want to observer the mind to make it completely thoughtless’ is also a thought & this is one of the biggest trick mind is playing. I, very sleepily, chase & settle with these kinds of thought while running from all the memories which have made me sad in past. This conflict must end. Either both stay or both should vacate. I have to be tremendous, I have to be awake.

November 4th, 2008


My walks are getting beautiful everyday. As I was walking in the neon lit half empty streets, a group of children were running, shouting, playing hide & seek, a lady grumbling at her husband for not helping her pick the heavy carton of ration, a girl & a boy riding on a bike, moving silently, they seemed to be in love. Love is a dangerous thing. If not understood correctly it brings sorrow & discontentment. It needs grounds to flower deep within while expectations, desires & possession readily & instantly decay it. I was watching my mind. All the thoughts were screened. How brutal I have been, not only to myself but also to the people. I have acted on these petty thoughts & in return made my life petty.

In night, mind erupted & responded with violence. It is not prepared to go without fighting. A thought appeared – what the hell is all this I am doing. I looked. Mind with its quiver full of thoughts creates a conflict between ‘what is’ & ‘what should be’. In this vicious conflict we all exist. I slept late for there was no sleep. Mind was clear now & now I can see.


November 8th 2008

Effortlessness & awareness are synonyms. For a complete awareness there should be no efforts from one’s side. The very effort simply points that there some aim in mind that one is following. But in the fullest view of paradox, to be effortless one has put all the efforts; leaving not even a single effort should be left. I am aflamed.


Why there is so much passion to achieve something? Why everyone wants to be everyone’s ideal? Why do we want to be become like some else, to be inspired by someone, to follow & make others follow? Why don’t we remain what we are?

November 11th 2008

To say it is to spoil it. I am alert in all the movements, be it of body or of mind. The seeking without any desire for result brings extreme bliss. The desire in itself determines the hopes for future while there exists such a state in which neither one is hopeful nor hopeless for hopelessness simply means frustration coming out of incomplete hopes.

We were talking for almost half an hour on phone & he was just complaining all the time. There was nothing good going on according to him for there were no good people around. The point of conversation kept shifting from one person to another while he was acutely pointing out the anomalies. This was character reading according to him which was the outcome of hours of time he spent on self-analysis.

Isn’t self-analysis another way to conceal ourselves though beautifully? The mind which creates problems later on analyzes self & thus comes out the contradiction in behavior, thought & action. This pattern of mind must be understood not by thinking but by the very observation of thinker & thought.


(For the first time in blogging, I did something different. I post here my few diary entries for a single reason that Wittgenstein once wrote - that which can be said cannot be shown. I request readers not to take it as some kind of mystical experience for it is not. Rather it is a simple inquiry into one's own mind)



Saturday, December 09, 2006

Kota Bye-Election: The battle between David & Goliath

The battle for Kota began with filing of Renu auntie’s nomination as an official congress candidate on 17th November in Bilaspur. This day was followed by hopeless & agonizing night of 16th when the situation was very unclear about the confirmation of auntie’s name as an official candidate.
As the news started pouring in from Delhi that night we were bound to be put under the impression that auntie’s name has been turned down. The reason been given was strange : since Kota traditionally was leaded by Brahmins so Congress's top think tanks thought it would send a wrong message to the voters of Uttar Pradesh (Election of U.P. are due next year). This news made the night of 16th very blur for all of us. Amit bhaiya's (Amit Jogi) reaction was obvious; he was feeling very uneasy about all this. I for the whole time (until I returned home at 3 A.M.) was furious about the stupid excuse for turning down auntie’s name. He nearly whispered, “It happens".
The next morning brought all the lost smiles with Amit bhaiya's call. How can I ever forget his words on phone ? He was nearly shouting, "You are still sleeping. Mummy's ticket has been confirmed. Start quickly for Bilaspur. I am already on way". These words changed the world for me. I fetched up the rest of the gang & rushed for Bilaspur. The two hour journey was filled with laughter & planning for the coming days. We all (Bunty bhaiya, Anuj Sharma & Sameer bhaiya) knew that the fight is going to very tough. The battle field Kota will be surrounded by BJP led govt's cannons. The fight was clear : Ajit Jogi vs State govt of Chattisgarh. On reaching Bilaspur we met Amit bhaiya in Congress Bhavan where he, along with aunty, was surrounded by huge crowd, showered with flowers & slogans. Akhil bhaiya welcomed us all at his place (his home, I must mention, is as charming as him). We all returned to Raipur that evening.

On 20th I again left for Bilaspur in the morning with all luggages which were enough to last me for two weeks. At Akhil bhaiya's place I met Amit bhaiya. He instructed me while walking to & fro in the room. I was to be stationed at Ratanpur, 20 kms from Bilaspur. Ratanpur, where the holy temple of Mahamaya devi is situated, from last few elections created a huge fall down for Congress. Last time BJP leaded by nearly 550 votes from Ratanpur. The message was clear: Win Ratanpur & Kota can be won easily. The responsibility on my shoulders was huge. It was quite obvious that Amit bhaiya wanted to place someone very trusted to that place. He chose me. I looked in his eyes. They were saying "Don’t let me down". I left him for my battle ground: Ratanpur. I was to meet Gudda Tiwari who was looking after our election campaign. The short journey of 20 kms was occupied by various thoughts. I started getting home-sick. But I had no time for it. The only thing that I wanted to think about was 4th December (polling day). My short journey came to an end as I reached Ratanpur & met Gudda Tiwari. He instantly started briefing me about the campaign in accordance to which he also took me to a near-by village Navagaon where the place for election campaign office was to be decided. The locals there were welcoming & I got the first impression of the voters i.e. friendly. It was getting dark so we left again for Ratanpur as soon as we told them all the important things. Gudda bhai kept on briefing me about the whole while we were on the way back. I told him, "Anyhow, we have to win Ratanpur."

The one thing that was disturbing me was the fact that youth of Ratanpur wasn't working for us. The youth in anyplace are alike & are far more energetic than any other. Next day I got the solution of it. Out of nowhere a young man Krishnakant Sharma appeared. This pundit-cum-journalist-cum-NSUI worker came to meet me while I was sipping tea sitting with Damodar (an old congress worker). He started telling about the problems of young guns in Ratanpur which led them to being inactive in the election campaign. He also introduced me to Sital Jaiswal, NSUI head for Ratanpur & Vimal Soni. The talk began. For most of the time I was on a listening bench. This trick I always use. Let the people talk so that whatever inside them can be released easily. I figured this from the memoirs of last viceroy of India in which he used to listen all the time & let the Indian leaders talk. The only thing that I could make out was that they also wanted preference. This is one of the most common known disease in humans: preference. I assured them that my presence will make sure of it. After an hour long chat I was able to make them agree (although I was only a listener). In evening I accompanied Shiv Deheriya Ji ( MLA) to inaugurate election campaign office In near-by village Ranigaon. It was only the 2nd office. More were to come.
Night time I kept for briefing Amit bhaiya. He instructed me to open election campaign office in every ward ( Ratanpur had 15 wards). I assured him that this will be done in next two days.

I am reminded of a Spanish proverb which says “Always surround your self with friends instead of fence”. The previous day’s talks brought fruitful result. Sital was ready with his friends to jump into the campaign. He initiated this with an idea of a motorcycle rally. Out of my surprise he gathered nearly 20 bikers, all of them shouting slogans & waving congress flags. He even invited me to be a part of it & so I rode with him triplets (three riders on a single bike). We roamed all across the streets of Ratanpur. It made me glad when the Sital’s entire friend came to meet, shaking my hand vigorously. This, definitely, was a start of new friendship.
The day went on with the openings of campaign offices; Things began to get hot in Ratanpur. It was for the first time that we were punching back our opponents & that too with force. We kept the evening time for opening of election campaign offices. That day, as per my promise made to Amit bhaiya, 5 offices were inaugurated by Shiv Deheriya Ji. I tried to keep myself behind the scene to make sure that local people & our workers can be in lime-light. That evening Pradeep Choubey Ji also joined us in Ratanpur. Pradeep uncle is a marvelous orator indeed. He spoke with such a force that even I maintained pin-drop silence.
On 19th with the opening of first election campaign office my father Shri Rajendra Tiwari Ji mesmerized the crowd with his oration. Apart from being my hero he is one of the best orator of hindi I have ever seen. In fact, I place him next to Osho. I love the way he plays with the words.

I saw huge gathering in our Head-Office as soon as I reached there the next morning. Shiv Deheriya ji along with Balram Thakur Ji (MLA) was busy instructing party workers.
I requested him to start our door to door campaign which he cordially accepted. We began it with the near by market Badi Bazaar. The direct conversation with the voters is the base of democracy. In India it is most important. One has to be skilled in the art of face reading while doing so. The door to door campaign lasted for nearly two hours. It was to be continued but the news came that Renu auntie is going to arrive shortly.
I saw Renu auntie after a long time. I still remember her face, filled with motherly charm, her voice filled with politeness. Sometime she reminded me of my own mother. But today her face was filled courage & determination. She was sun burnt. Her voice was very blur. The constant exertion clearly overtook her. When she saw me touching her feet she said, ‘Arey ! Beta tu bhi aa gaya ?’ (You also came?). I just nodded my head in affirmation. I wanted to tell her that it’s going to be week now since I am here. She left for election campaign.
The day ended with the openings of election campaign offices.
By the end of day, total of 16 such offices were inaugurated.

With the opening up of numerous campaign offices the election machinery was working at its fullest. Ratanpur, I must mention, is famous for the holy temple of Mahamaya Devi. Apart from this it is surrounded by many other temples. Karl Jaspers’s term Axial Age is still to come here where everything is subjected to be questioned instead of believing. I went to Shri Tiwari Ji’s home during my door to door campaign. He is an old man & a staunch RSS man. He, firstly, got surprised to me. It was beyond his expectation that I am going to visit him. The first words he told me were, “But I am going to vote for BJP”. I tried to relieve him by saying that I have’nt come here for vote but I have come for your blessing. I introduced my self. He replied grimly that he knows me & he has also heard that Amit Jogi has sent me to Ratanpur. I smiled on this.
I was trying hard to cover all the 15 wards by foot so that atleast I can reach to the majority of voters. Following my target I went to Anuragi Ji’s village (Former MP). I met there her daughter Tanya Anuragi Ji. I requested her on behalf on Amit Bhaiya to start campaign. She very modestly told me that she is going to start it next day.

With the instruction from the control room I stationed myself at a single ward. I chose ward no. 3 for this. Last time congress was defeated heavily from this ward. Ankit Bagbahra joined me too & we set off for door to door to campaign.
Although I was stationed at a particular ward but I took the liberty of campaigning door to door to door in every ward.
By the end of 3rd December I almost covered 13 wards.

The day of polling arrived. Bunty bhaiya along with Dr. Saibel Farishta, Deep Mishra & Ankit Bagbahara joined me in Ratanpur. We went to every polling booth.

I had returned to Raipur on the evening of 4th but again came back to join Amit bhaiya on the evening of 6th. We talked for half an hour & then I took his leave. The night was literally sleep-less. Next day the result was to come.

As soon as I switched on the TV to hear the news about the vote counting I got thrilled with excitement as I saw that we are leading by 2000 votes in the first round of counting. I ran to the room of Vijay Nijhavan Ji who was wiping himself with a towel. I told him the news & we all literally started dancing.
After an hour he came to my room to tell me the inside information.
We were leading by nearly 17000 votes by the end of 7th round of counting.
We all rushed to Amit bhaiya.
We won the Kota battle by 23470 votes. It was land-slide victory.
Ratanpur was won over by 3400 votes & ward no. 3 by 470 votes.
This was made possible by Ajit Uncle’s popularity & people’s love for him, Renu auntie’s simplicity & motherly charm, Amit bhaiya’s intelligence & management & last but not the least the hard work of each & every congressmen who fought against the ruthless system for all the time.

All’s well that ends well.
I have returned from Ratanpur but I know that the people & the place will always remain in my heart.